Celebrities

Colbert to Michael Cohen: Maybe the F.B.I. Will Keep Quiet About Its Raid—“for $130,000”

We knew this was coming, right? Following the news that the F.B.I. raided the hotel, home, and office of Donald Trumps personal attorney Michael Cohen, late-night hosts could barely mask their glee on Monday night. The most ecstatic? Unsurprisingly, it was Stephen Colbert, who did have one bit of reassurance for Cohen: “All hope isnt lost,” the comedian said. “Im sure the F.B.I. will keep this whole thing quiet—for $130,000.”

“Porn star Stormy Daniels says that right before the election, she was paid $130,000 by Trumps lawyer Michael Cohen to stay silent about her alleged doing it with the Donald,” Colbert joked as he began his Late Show monologue Monday night. “Future generations will learn all about it in the Trump presidential librarys adult section.”

Following a search warrant from special counsel Robert Mueller, the F.B.I. executed its raid Monday morning. As The New York Times reported, “business records, e-mails, and documents related to several topics, including a payment to a pornographic film actress.”

“They got everything,” Colbert quipped. “They got all of his information about porn in a folder marked finances, and all of his information about finances in a folder marked porn.”

The cherry on top of this legal sundae? As Colbert noted, an attorney making a deal on behalf of an unwitting client—which, so far, Trump appears to claim to have been—is grounds for disbarment in the state of New York. Should Cohen be disbarred, Colbert said, “Trumps legal team will be down to Ty Cobb, Jay Sekulow, and a DVD of Matlock.

On ABC, Jimmy Kimmel got in on the fun as well, pointing out, “A dozen F.B.I. agents raided the office of his personal attorney Michael Cohen—and they didn't just raid his office. They also raided his house and his hotel room. He has a house and a hotel room? Why? The fact that the guy who pays off porn stars has a hotel room is, to me, a red flag.”

In addition to records related to Stormy Daniels, Kimmel said, the F.B.I. was also looking for records of any attempts on Cohens part to contact Vladimir Putins spokesman about building a Trump Tower in Moscow. “Is there ever gonna be a story about Donald Trump that doesnt involve Vladimir Putin?” the comedian wondered. “I wouldnt be surprised if at the end of all this Trump breaks down and starts speaking perfect Russian like Kevin Costner at the end of No Way Out.

On The Daily Show,Trevor Noah was similarly amazed. “Donald Trumps lawyer now needs to get a lawyer,” he said in disbelief. And, like Colbert, he couldnt help but wonder how all of this is going to look as future generations read about it: “You know,” he said, “its just nice knowing that in 20 years teachers wont be able to give a history lesson without explaining what a pornographic actress is. You see, children, when a man pays a woman very much . . .”

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<em>A Wrinkle in Time</em>

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<em>Solo: A Star Wars Story</em>

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Laura BradleyLaura Bradley is a Hollywood writer for VanityFair.com. She was formerly an editorial assistant at Slate and lives in Brooklyn.

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